


Beneath: Love Sweets and Death

by duointherain



Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: Drug Use, Gen, Sex Education, enlightenment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-20
Updated: 2019-03-27
Packaged: 2019-11-01 04:15:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17860106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/duointherain/pseuds/duointherain
Summary: Dorothy is very naughty girl and gives both Relena and Duo LSD.





	1. Chapter 1

by duointherain

Disclaimer: I don’t own Gundam Wing

Notes: I have taken liberties. It’s a work of fiction and may not be as canon as it could be. The timeline is just a bit off because I needed a birthday in there and I’ve never written Dorothy before. As with all my stuff, it’s 1x2, eventually.

Warnings: Drug use, inappropriate use of pistols, stupid behavior, unsupervised children, sexual situations.

“Miss Relena! I promised you an unforgettable birthday present! I mean to deliver,” Dorothy said, smiling brightly, positively glowing with joy.

Relena, who was a week after her fifteenth birthday and much more into politics than ever before, looked up from her laptop. “Really, you’ve done enough. I have very much enjoyed the spa and I will enjoy a nice quiet evening. I really can’t accept the concert this evening. I have so much reading to get through.”

The laptop was set up on the nightstand between the twin beds. The hotel was not quite nice enough for Relena’s tastes and it made her uncomfortable. It wasn’t something she’d thought through her reservations. Honestly, the whole day had been a whirlwind and she hadn’t thought through the decision to go out with Dorothy let alone all of the things that had happened in the eight hours since.

“But the best is yet to come,” Dorothy said, sitting down on the bed, an elbow on the table. “I wish you’d try on the lipstick I gave you. I think your lips are so beautiful.”

Relena’s eyes narrowed and she pulled her laptop and herself just a little bit farther from Dorothy. “I really am too tired for any more fun tonight, Dorothy. I’m going to have a car sent to get me.”

“But your best present should be here any moment!”

“I don’t need any more presents, Dorothy. You do realize that an OZ transport was hit today? Only very narrowly avoiding civilian casualties, but that a large cache of very dangerous weapons were taken.”

“I know,” she said, a shiver lifting her shoulders. “It was an excellent tactical strike. Very exciting. Don’t you think the hero who pulled that off deserves some reward?”

“No. Violence does not deserve reward,” Relena closed her laptop, picked it up and stood, holding it to her chest, as if it woud protect her outraged heart. “We must encourage all parties to cease hostilities! I think you like the violence.”

Dorothy stood up as well. A little taller than Relena, she had the advantage of being able to look down at her. “That’s probably true, Miss Relena. I do, very much, love a well-laid plan that comes to fruition. I know you love your friends.”

“What have you done?”

Their hotel room was on the second floor, with a nice balcony. Dorothy gracefully sauntered over to the balcony door and pulled the curtains back. “Look at that lovely pillar of smoke. It’s like things are actually happening.”

“I’m leaving now,” Relena said.

“Oh,” Dorothy said, “But he’s almost here?”

“Who’s almost here,” Relena asked as she shoved her laptop into her bag. “What have you done?”

“You wouldn’t believe all the effort I took to make this happen, even if I told you, Miss Relena.” At just the right moment, Dorothy opened the balcony door, just as Duo Maxwell was vaulting over the railing. He hit the ground running, tripped over Dorothy’s carefully placed Louboutin clad foot, and skidded to a stop at Relena’s rather bland pink flats.

She pulled a lipstick from her pocket, shiny black tube, and dialed up a bright red lipstick. Duo was just getting up to his hands and knees when she leaned over and drew a red line across his cheek.

Relena stood there, bag clutched to her chest, blue eyes wide, mouth open, as she stared at Duo at her feet.

Dorothy caught her chin, leaned close, hastily traced red lipstick over those nice pink lips and said. “Smudge, dear.”

“What?”

“Rub your lips together, like this.” Dorothy demonstrated. “That’s a good girl. I promise, this is going to be a night you will never, ever forget!”

Duo reached out to grab her ankle. She stamped on his hand, just hard enough to make him yelp, before moving to pick up her bag. “Now! The room is paid for for the next seventy-two hours. This should give the city time to calm down a little after Duo’s lovely military operation today. Miss Relena, I told your people I was taking you to Paris, so you have some time before they start looking for you.”

“You,” Relena snapped, “planned this from the very beginning!”

“That is usually how plans go. You have no idea how hard I had to work to get a military convoy and Duo Maxwell into the same place at the same time.”

“You didn’t have anything to do with what I did tonight!” Duo screamed, now sitting on the floor and jabbing his finger at Dorothy as she walked to the door. “You wouldn’t be able to do what I do in your wildest dreams.”

Dorothy paused, turned, an eyebrow rising. “Please. You’re a pathetic, underfed, undereducated bit of societal litter.” With three steps, she closed the distance between them, marked lipstick across his forehead, dotted his nose, and stepped back out of reach of his swing. “If you were a stray cat, you’d be put down before someone adopted you.” 

“You’re so mean! How can you be so mean?” Relena hissed.

Keeping just out of Duo’s reach until he fell over on his side, Dorothy smirked. “I am mean, but not even you said I was wrong.”

“You’re wrong!” Relena said, dropping to her knees to reach out to Duo.

“Just because you’d run a no-kill shelter, doesn’t mean I would. However, before it kicks in too much, Miss Relena, my dearest, look up LSD. That information is going to be vitally useful to you in the next few minutes.”

Duo pushed himself up to his knees, lips feeling funny, as he slowly, very slowly raised his hand to point at Dorothy. “Fuck.”

“Exactly!”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If Heero can do stitches, Relena is sure she can too!

Beneath: LSD 2  
by Duointherain

Disclaimer: I don’t own Gundam Wing

 

“Yeah, so I’m pretty sure I’m bleeding,” Duo said, kneeling there on the hotel floor, grin crooked, drug-laced lipstick on his cheek. “It’s gonna be bad for the carpet.”

Relena just kind of flopped down to the bed, toes pointing inward as she leaned forward and stared into his eyes. She didn’t remember standing back up, which somehow seemed odd to her. “You have the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen.” 

“Open up your computer, look up that shit she said.” Duo was peeling off his shirt as he spoke. The gunshot wound was below his ribs, not very deep, more like a gun furrow than any kind of serious post hole digging. Duo made a face, poked swelling flesh, snickered as it oozed. “OH that probably gonna hurt.” 

“Oh sweet heavens! What is that?” Relena held her laptop to her chest, flattening out the laptop, if not her own curves. “Is that normal?”

Duo arched an eyebrow, wrinkled his nose. “It ain’t that bad. The bullet just kind of passed me by. It might be a little bit burned. If I was back to the safehouse, Heero or Wu would just stitch it back up.” 

“They’re not doctors,” Relena hissed, her blue eyes wide. “You’re bleeding.”

“Yeah,” Duo said, drawing the word out, making a face, “And yer bestie fuckin’ drugged us.”

Relena set the laptop back down on her lap, typed away. “I’m sure it’s not that bad. Dorothy’s really very sweet.” 

“Yeah? And I’m a priest.”

Looking up, Relena tilted her head. “I thought you had to be older?” Her eyes snapped back to the screen, a hand on her face, little finger resting at the curve of her upper lip. “Oh this stuff.. lysergic acid diethylamide is illegal! We could get in trouble! This is bad!”

“I’m probably not going to bleed to death,” Duo said, inching over so he could lean against the wall. 

Proudly, Relena lifted her chin. “Well if Heero can do it, I can do it. Most nice hotels have a sewing kit.”

“No way,” Duo said, shaking his head, lips drawn tight. “I ain’t a fucking skirt! We need a suture kit and a bottle of whiskey.”  
“What’s the whiskey for?”

“Drinking.”

“You’re too young to drink,” Relena pointed out. 

“I’m sixteen,” Duo said, one knee bent, abs tight, lined, his braid pooling on his shoulder and then down to his belt. 

“You are not. I just had my 15th and you’re no older than I am.”

“Am too.” 

Relena rolled her eyes. “When’s your birthday then?”

“Don’t know,” Duo shrugged, before licking dry lips. “I’m hungry. You got any food?”

“I’ll order some. What do you want?”

“I donknow. What’cha got?”

“How about a hamburger and a shake?” 

“Great.” 

She nodded, placed her order for a suture kit, whiskey, two burgers, and a bag of Cheetos. “Why did you forget when your birthday was? Was it a head injury?”

“I never knew when my birthday was. Why is it a big deal?”

She slipped off the end of the bed and scooted closer, to where her pink flats touched his boots. “Well, it’s important. Then you know how old you are and your family gives you presents and there’s cake. We should ask your mother. I bet she knows!”

Duo wrinkled his nose. “It’s not important. What’s it say about LSD?”

“Well,” Relena said, doing her best Hermione impression, “aside from it being illegal, it makes people hallucinate and understand the real meaning of the world. It seems harmless! I can tell what’s real and what isn’t, not matter what I see.”

“Whooah. We’re fucked.”

Relena rolled her eyes, slipped off her shoes and leaned forward to impulsively start unlacing his boots. “Nonsense. We’re fine. Dorothy wouldn’t have left us some place unsafe. I can stitch you up! I’ll order you a birthday cake too!” It was a sudden inspiration and she left his boot half undone, him sitting there with his legs spread, violet eyes staring at her. “You can have half my birthday!” 

Duo had gone back to poking at his still slightly bleeding wound. It was just so very interesting. You could be pink and soft and oozy on the inside, but the outside was smooth and warm, but not usually wet. Well, unless you were sweating. Running made you sweat. Running was fun. “We should go for a run. Do you like to run?”

Without any forethought, Duo touched a bloody finger to his tongue and licked. Grimacing, he made a face. “That tastes bad, like gun powder.”

“What does gunpowder taste like?” Relena’s tongue worried at the corner of her mouth. 

Duo shrugged. “Well, it’s different when you’re reloading bullets. This is different. Actually, it kinda doesn’t taste that bad.”

“You must be really hungry!”

“I worked really hard today,” Duo said, nodding. “And I only got shot once today!”

There was a knock at the door and Relena jumped up to answer it. “No, no doctor,” Relena said cheerfully. “Oh yes! Everything’s fine! We’re just curious, that’s all. You know how teenagers are! Yes, of course, absolutely! I’ll let you know if I need anything! No, I promise I’m safe. Yes, yes, I know my lipstick is messed up. No, no, I won’t be needing any contraceptives!”

She wheeled the cart in, shut the door, lifted the silver dome on the burger, smiled like she really was Duo’s twin, and pronounced, “I’m going to save you!”

“Naw, Jesus already tried that.” 

With complete confidence and a feeling of overwhelming euphoria, she held the suture kit aloft. “But I am Relena Darlian and I have a suture kit! 

“Oh fuck,” Duo said, really sure he hadn’t had enough whiskey yet.


	3. The Duck in the Room

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's starting to kick in... Relena gives Duo stitches...

Beneath: LSD 3  
by duointherain

disclaimer: I don’t own Gundam Wing

Notes: This story contains unsupervised teenagers, unplanned and unwanted drug use, illegal practice of medicine, and the birds and the bees... The birds and the bees will be next chapter. 

 

Time had stopped moving in its normal linear fashion. Relena stood there, staring at the suture kit. It had to be broken. The needle was curved. They sent her a bent needle. That was just wrong!

While she was contemplating the suture needle, Duo, being the half starved teenage boy that he was, ate both burgers, just standing there at the room service cart in his pants, one boot half unlaced, mouth stuffed full of burger that was only getting half chewed. 

Finally Relena looked down at the plates, haphazardly littered with fries that somehow got mixed together, as if someone had thought it was one plate and just nudged them around. Both burgers were gone though. She looked up at Duo, his cheeks still puffy as he chewed as fast as he could. “Where’s mine?”

“Yer what?”

“My burger. You ate them both,” she accused, surprised and just staring at him. He was kinda skinny. “I guess it’s okay. I’ll order another. Do you want another one?”

Duo nodded rapidly, licked a bit of mustard from the corner of his mouth and for a moment Relena imagined that she’d just started feeding a stray dog her mom wasn’t going to let her bring home. “How did you get catsup on your side!?”

Duo arched an eyebrow, looked down at where the bullet had mostly missed him. “That’s blood, stupid.” 

“Oh! Yes! Stitches!” 

Duo blinked, eyes looking shifty around the room, as he shoved a few fries in his mouth. “No, Ima be fine.” 

“Of course you are,” Relena said with a charming smile. “But Heero has given you stitches before, right?”

“Yeah,” Duo said, cautious, more fries disappearing. 

“Well, anything he can do, I can do.”

Shaking his head, Duo eyed her. “I ain’t sure that’s true. He hits pretty hard.” Duo grabbed a couple more fries before moving away, a little towards the bathroom. It had a door. “I’m pretty sure it’s nothing. I had worse.” He nodded like that was a profound statement. 

“That’s terrible!” She said, kit held in both hands, blue eyes narrowing as she followed him towards the bathroom. “But we can take of this one today.”

“You know, I think it’ll heal better if we just leave it alone,” Duo pronounced, nodding wisely. 

“Sit down on the toilet,” She commanded. 

He did. She slipped out of her blazer, rolled up her sleeves, and washed her hands. “You’re not...afraid... are you?”

“Fuck no,” Duo said, jaw tight, violet eyes glaring at her. “I ain’t afraid.”

“Oh good,” Relena said, considering that she might get blood on her shirt, which would be hard to get out. That just didn’t seem helpful, so she took off her shirt, hung it neatly neatly on a hook. “So turn to your side. I’m quite handy with a needle and thread, though this needle is... bent.”

“What,” Duo squeaked, rising up to look at the needle “No...that’s how it’s supposed to look, so you know it goes in and around without making more holes than needed. It ain’t acupuncture. Wu tried that shit. I don’t like it.” 

Giggling, Relena opened the package. “I’m sure he is very good at accu pucture. I saw him with that sword. What did you do to make him angry?”

“No no, with needles,” Duo said, leaning and settling in so she could do the thing. “You know.. wasn’t there supposed to be whiskey? An’how come you got on a plain white bikini? Shouldn’t it be like pink with flowers er some shit?” 

Hands on her hips, Relena lifted her chin. “It’s my bra and it’s perfectly serviceable. Haven’t you ever seen a bra before?”

Shifty eyes happened and Duo shrugged. “Earth clothes are weird. I don’t got no bras.”

“Well, you’re a boy, so,” Relena said, pulled out the suture. “It kinda of looks like a fish hook. Have you been fishing before?”

Duo sorted frantically through his mind for what fishing meant. Was that like a game? Like you turn into a magikarp in some VR or something? Fish was a flavor that came in cheap noodle packets, but the better ones were seafood. “I like sea fooding better.” 

Relena slow blinked a couple times, narrowed her eyes, before snapping the thread between her hands. “Talk talking out your ass!”

Smirking, Duo gave her a bit more respect. “Well, what the fuck is fishing? How the hell am I supposed to know what kinda verb that is? Is it some kind of Earth dating bullshit?” 

Eyeing the long gash in his side, she contemplated the best way to do this. Like a princess seam was really out of the question and it couldn’t really be a blind stitch either, but she wanted it to close up nice and neat. Maybe a pair of scissors and trim the edges so it was neater first.

He scooted just a little bit farther away, but it wasn’t like there was a long way to go sitting on the toilet like that. “It ain’t real hard.. you just hold it together and like push it through.” He smiled nervously. His hands kind of floated near his chest, fingers nervously petting at each other. “It would be helpful if I could have some whiskey first.”

“Oh? Like dab some on to kill infection?” Relena tilted her head thoughtfully.

Duo’s eyes searched for a useful answer. “Uh, but it gets dabbed on ... from the inside!” 

“No.” Relena said, channeling her mom. “Wait till the LSD wears off and besides, it’s not healthy to drink too much. You drink to much.” 

“Judgey much.” He complained, rolling his eyes and glaring at the wall. 

He never saw the needle coming. 

“Ack! Shit! Mary Mother of God.” 

“Hold still,” Relena demanded, as she dropped to her knees and squished the raw ends of his flesh together firmly. Then, as if it had just occurred to her, she looked up at him. “Do you have any blood borne diseases?”

Head spinning, lips parted, his upper lip twitched. 

“Well, I’m sure it’s fine. Are you sexually active?”

Had the needle not been well into the second stitch without anesthetic or a kindly drop of whiskey he would have climbed right up the wall, but as it was, he just kind croaked. “Are YOU?”

“No,” she smiled sweetly up at him, her golden hair like a halo around her pretty face. “My mother would murder me. I’m saving myself for my wedding night, with Heero.” 

Voice kind of in the wringer, Duo squeaked out, “Me too,” as she got the third stitch in. “Gonna be good!”  
“So you’re still a virgin too,” She asked, right before Duo’s side quacked like a duck, just like a real duck, a long throaty qurraack as she pushed the needle through. She was sure it was a duck. There was a duck inside him. “Did you hear the duck?”

Duo squinted, looked down at the stiches, wanting to kind of see how many more might be in order... and there was a small black smooth inky cloud trying to pull itself out of him. The color drained from his face. “Stitch faster.” 

“So you do have a duck inside you?”

“No,” he said, shaking his head vigorously, wondering when he’d started getting the souls of the dead living in him, and suddenly quite afraid that they’d hurt Relena. “I won’t duck!”

“I mean the bird!” She gave him an extra squish and there was the duck call again. 

Duo nearly strangled on his need not to scream. “I got no birds!” 

The next ten twelve stitches all came with a plaintive duck cry, so realistic that Relena was really afraid she was killing a duck, but Duo kept hissing, “Faster! Faster!” He was afraid at any moment either she’d see the dark icky ghost or get possessed by it and hate him forever. 

“It doesn’t hurt,” she asked as she got to the last bit and gave it a tug, which almost made him gather up like a skirt. “I’m really worried about the duck!” 

“It hurts,” he squeaked. “But it’s done! Just tie it off. I wouldn’t hurt no bird, not on purpose!” 

“But you kill people out of political idealism?” Relena didn’t know how the duck got out of Duo, or where he’d been hiding him, but there was now some kind of miniature mallard walking in the bathroom sink. She plugged the sink and ran some water, which the pretty little duck liked a lot, splashing and preening itself. “You don’t actually kill people, right? I mean, I’ve never seen you kill people and you’re a really good person.”

Duo poked his side, like he could shove the last of the ghost back in him where belonged. His sins, his problems. “Uh. You think I’m a good person?”

“Yes, of course!” She smiled gloriously. “And you brought me a duck!”


	4. Fire Duck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Duo learns the birds and the bees.

Beneath: LSD 4  
by Duointherain

 

Disclaimer: I don’t own Gundam Wing. 

 

So there they were. He sat sideways on the toilet, red trailing down pale side to soak into black pants. She stood there, hands on her hips, and for a moment, both of them were looking at the blood splatters on the grey tile floor. 

“You were bleeding,” she said firmly. 

He stared at the red drops on the tile, thinking intensely the smooth shiny red blood was so different than the very slightly textured grey tile. Shit was all made out of the same kind of molecules, give or take, but they were so different! He looked up at her, smiled like he’d had the greatest epiphany of his life. “You and me, we’re like blood and floor, but I don’t know which of us is which.” 

Her mouth opened for a moment, then settled closed as if she weren’t that sure about that idea. “Well, I’m not the floor and I’m not the blood.” Her brows drew down as she contemplated the different textures. “Do you ever want to put the blood back inside?”

Duo’s nose wrinkled up, lips twisting. “That’s a shit idea. Blood attracts bacteria real fast!” 

“Oh,” Relena said, nodding sagely, like that was the most obvious thing ever. 

“The floor is kinda the color of that fancy sweater you wouldn’t let me try on.”

“Cashmere, the sweater is cashmere. It’s a girl’s sweater, Duo. Why would you want to wear it?” 

“Just cuz it’s yer sweater don’t make it no special,” Duo said as he stood up, stretching a bit, to see how the stitches were going to hold. “It was real soft. I ain’t never felt nothing like it before.”

“They don’t have anything where you come from.” 

Duo shrugged. “True that. Cuz these fuckers own here took it all.” He opened his pants and released into the tub. 

Relena nearly jumped a foot back, a hand on her heart. “Duo! No!” 

“What,” he asked, hair all messed up, clinging to his face and back back. “There’s plenty of room.”

Her mouth dropped open, closed, and she looked at him like she’d become a respectable adult in the last two minutes. “You can’t urinate in the tub!”

He wiggled his eyebrows, waved his dick around a little, then settled back. “Well, I really gotta go, so I’m thinking this is working out pretty good. Seriously.. just do it and then we can order some more food, please?”

“I can order more food, but I can’t just... pee in the tub.”

“Why not? Heero does it.” 

“Heero is an uncivilized beast,” Relena pronounced, chin lifting, as if that were her epiphany for the day. 

Duo rolled his eyes. “It ain’t all that bad. Just piss and lets get something to eat.” 

Arms across her chest, jaw shifted to the side. 

“Spit it out.”

 

“I don’t have a penis, Duo. I’m a girl.”

Duo tilted his head, nose wrinkling. His life had been about stealing food, not dying, a lot about not dying. Dietary deficiencies had him hit puberty late, to the point that he still wasn’t growing facial hair yet. There had been no opportunity for porn before Sweepers and he hadn’t been interested in while he was with them. He was learning to pilot, really, really well. The Sweepers had children, but they were in the creche and Duo had just assumed they came from the same place that meat did. You grew it up in a vat and processed it out. Kids came out of some vat he hadn’t gone looking for. Sex just hadn’t been a priority. 

Wufei had gone off on a rant about how some Earth cultures did something called ‘female circumcision’, which Duo knew to be to cut off at least part of the dick. Someone had suggested he get it done in the Sweeper caravan and he’d hid in Deathscythe for a week. His hair stood on end. That... THAT was what happened to some people and that made then girls! He gasp, his dick still out as he jumped on Relena and pulled her into a tight hug. “I’m so sorry, ‘Lena! I’ll find them and kill them dead! I’ll cut off their dicks first!” 

“What,” she wheezed, willing to get out of his very strong arms. She’d never been that close to an uncovered penis before and she wasn’t entirely sure how she felt about that. “What are you talking about!?”

Duo pulled back, hands still on her shoulders, tears running down his face. “They.. they cut off your dick! IN... female circumcision! I WILL kill them!” 

Her mouth opened and closed a couple times before she was gently slapping at him to get him to back up. “They didn’t cut off my dick!”

“Then show me your dick!”

“No! I’m a girl! I don’t have one!” 

Duo made squinty eyes. “Then how do you piss?”

The LSD was not helping her. She batted at the air, staring down at her skirt. 

“Well? How do you do it,” Duo said, feeling the heavy hand of drugs on his thoughts and simultaneously feeling like he’d outlogiced her!

“I just... sit down and do.. but never in the tub. It’s not okay to ... do that in the tub.” 

“Fine, whatever,” Duo said as he peeled out of his pants. “I’m going to take a shower.”

“But you... you peed in the tub!” Relena said, an edge of hysteria rising.

“And it’ll wash right on into the water filtration system,” Duo said, cocking his head at her like she was an idiot.

She shuttered and averted her eyes, mostly. He did have some .... and she tried really hard to avert her eyes. Then his pants and rather grey underwear on the floor caught her attention. The blood drops seemed to be branching out like tree branches, reaching for her. She squeaked, grabbed up his pants and ran, shutting the door behind her. 

He shrugged and showered. It was odd, but he felt the strongest sense of safety, like he was immortal and nothing could ever harm him. He washed his hair, unbraiding it and letting it trail. The hot water seemed to last forever without any rationing at all. So then he was just standing there, water running over him, as he watched it pool and rain from his hand, between spread fingers. Water was life. He was water. Water was in him, except for the part that had spilled out. Was he water? Did the water mind washing dirt off of him? “Thank you!” 

“Duo!” 

“Whooooo,” Duo said, realizing that Relena had called his name like a hundred times. “Thank you so much!” He said to the shower before trying to hug the wall. “You save me!” 

“Who are you talking to,” Relena demanded! “Are you talking to my duck? Don’t talk to my duck!” 

“I am not talking to your duck,” Duo shouted back. 

A moment later, he emerged from the bathroom with a towel laying on his head and one around his waist. His observation skills were not high at all and he nearly tripped over one of his own boots, that he didn’t remember taking off. For another moment, he was absolutely sure he saw himself, several of him, walking around the hotel room, like double exposures. Which is why he didn’t notice Relena.

“Look at me!” 

And then he did. Relena with no clothes was sparkly. “Are you a vampire?”

“What?”

“You’re all sparkling.” 

“No, that’s stupid. I’m not sparkling. You be Edward and I’ll be Bella!” 

“Uhhhh,” Duo said, upper lip curling. “I didn’t understand that book. I tried to read it though.” 

Leaning back on a pile of pillows, Relena very slowly extended both arms above her head, pink lips parting, “Observe my flower!” 

Duo’s lips felt numb, his head light, then he thought about the lipstick that had been on his cheek, rubbed at it, but the water had saved him! He turned back to the bathroom. “Thank you!” 

“No, me! Look at me! Am I beautiful?” Relena asked, near tears. “Am I ugly?” 

When her hand touched his towel, he turned back around and found himself reaching out to pet her hair. “Who cares? You promised to bring peace to the world. Is there anything more beautiful than that?”

“But Duo, am I beautiful? Do you think Heero will love me?” 

Duo sank down to his knees, mostly because he didn’t think he could stand anymore. Hands cupping her face, he smiled. “How could he not love you? You’re smart and kind and devoted. When the war is over, I bet you and he could be like happy and take care of the world!”

“Where will you be?”

“I’m gonna be dead,” Duo said softly, kindly. “War’s dangerous, but Heero’s smarter and stronger than me. He’ll be okay.” 

“I don’t want you to die,” Relena wailed, throwing her arms around his neck. “Ravish me!”

Duo shifted so his back was against the bed, Relena in his lap. “What does that word mean?”

“It means I’m so beautiful that you throw yourself upon me and ... and ... well, put yourself in me!”

Duo leaned his head against the bed, violet eyes looking at the ceiling shadows were reenacting some ancient battle... roaring at each other and charging. He tried really hard to imagine throwing himself on Relena... like if there was going to be some kind of explosive going off or putting himself ... in.... in... in? In her? “Uh, don’t eat me!”

“What?” Relena said, pulling back, “No! See .. you’re a boy! You have an outty penis. I’m a girl! I have an inny penis and you put them together and it makes a baby!” 

“You,” Duo said seriously, feeling like maybe one eye was going to just fall out of his head, like his tongue was just going to split like a snake’s. “You are really, really stoned.” 

“No! See,” she said, scooting back, legs bent, so she could show him, “See? It’s right here!” She spread her labia and showed him all her pinkness. “Just put... it in me!”

“And you think... that makes a baby?”

“Yeah! It grows in my stomach!” 

Duo grimaced, eyed all that pinkness for another moment. “I don’t think it works that way. I’m pretty sure that Trowa put it in Quatre, but Quatre didn’t eat a baby.” 

Relena’s legs sank down to flat, her wrists, flopping on her knees as she leaned a little forward. “No, no, no... it totally does work that way, but boys can’t get pregnant. Quatre is a boy, isn’t he?”

 

“I guess,” Duo said, realizing he’d never seen Quatre’s dick. “He’s kinda shy. I think it’s a rich folk thing.” 

“I think it works like Fawkes!”

“Who?”

“Professor Dumbledore’s phoenix! People get old! They turn to ash, then they pop up as babies again and people take care of them because they remember who they used to be! Maybe that’ll happen if I die too! And you and Heero could take care of me!”

“That’s gross,” Relena said. 

“You’d just let me be on the streets again?”

“NO no,” Relena said, reaching for his hand. “If you were a baby, I’d take care of you! It’s just... I was wanting to know if you wanted to have sex with me, so it would be weird if you were my kid.”

Duo rubbed his temple. “I think I wanna throw up. You’re not supposed to have sex with someone for the first time if either person is stoned. Howard said so! And how do you know that people don’t just come back like baby phoenixs? That makes more sense than a person inside another person!” Duo managed to stand up, eyes on the bathroom, but then he just kind of went over backwards on the bed. “I’m tired now.” 

Relena covered him up and sat there staring at him. His hair was a map of all of fate! All lives were woven into his braid... which she then decided to braid into dozens of little braids. He was going to love it. 

His clothes came back from the cleaners. The delivery service also sent her two dozen pink freshwater pearls like she’d asked. These she wove into Duo’s braids, feeling very pleased with herself. 

Closer to dawn, the door jiggled, made a clicking sound. It was just like in the movies when the bad guys break into the room! Duo had had a gun! She spent a least ten years sitting there on the bed thinking she ought to get up and look for it! 

Then out of nowhere, Heero was there, looking into her eyes, asking her what she had taken. She looked up at him, smiled adoringly and pronounced, “I’ve taken all the shit I’m going to!”

Trowa nearly choked, but he already had Duo wrapped in a blanket and up on his shoulder. 

“Relena,” Heero said sternly. “I called your mother. She should be here soon.” 

“Don’t take my duck,” Relena begged, reaching out to grab one of Duo’s new braids. “Please! He’s my little duckie!” 

Heero looked at her like Duo could have been contagious. “Go to sleep.” 

With that, Trowa and Heero too Duo away. 

<><>

Relena and her Mother

Relena with her head laying in her mother’s lap. 

Neither of them said anything. Her mother ran her fingers through Relena’s hair, slowly, gently, sorting her as if that would make the world make more sense. 

“I didn’t do it on purpose.” 

“I know, darling. Did the boy... touch you?”

“No,” Relena said sadly. “I’m awkward and undesirable.”

“You said he said his father told him not to,” Relena’s mother spoke carefully, “If there was intoxication. He sounds like a smart young man who treated you with respect. This is the same boy from prom?” 

“Yeah,” Relena said, thinking about how pretty Heero’s eyes were.

“That was a lot of property damage, on prom.” 

Relena smiled, turning her face to hide a little. “It was pretty epic though.”

<><>

 

Professor Wufei: *taps pointer at the image of male and female anatomy* “And that is how recombinant DNA functions in human beings!” 

Duo: “You’re fucking kidding me? It’s not phoenixes?”

Professor Wufei: *looking over the top rim of his glasses* “It is not.”


End file.
